There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
