Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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