you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
