Pappa wants mamma naked
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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