i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My bed smells like the plague
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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