im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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