I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
