In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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