Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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