Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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