I want to have your abortion
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
