dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere