And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
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If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.