I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
