After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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