Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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