i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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