Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
