Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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