My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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