i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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