All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
