Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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