On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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