Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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