i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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