so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
