Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
