Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
