i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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