I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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