just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
