3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
