I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
