I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
