Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
