It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
