Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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