cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
