some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
