LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
