Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We have so much sex to catch up on
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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