He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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