i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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