So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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