I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
