what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
