I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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