"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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