I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
