My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
