if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
