Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
