goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
