just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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