someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
