i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
