Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
