I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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