So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
