Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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