I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
