The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
