nutella sex= disaster
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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